I was heading to the shops to run errands and, after a 15-minute search, I found a place to park. I gathered up my bags and got out of the car. It was then that I noticed a figure moving in my direction at some speed. Before I had the opportunity to lock the car, a larger gentleman was towering over me, calling me all sorts of names and looking like he was about to use me as a piñata.
Straight away I knew this situation would test all my conflict-management skills. Unfortunately, my brain was giving me every single strategy I knew, all at the same time. It didn’t matter though, as this man wasn’t about to stop talking any time soon. After several minutes (which felt like several hours) he slowed down enough for me to take a deep breath and say: “Excuse me, I appreciate that you are upset with me, although I am completely unaware of the reason.”
This didn’t help much. He took off yelling and screaming again. I waited. He calmed down a tad and I repeated the question. This time I got a confused look and he responded: “Are you kidding me?” I soon found out that I had taken the parking spot he believed he had seen first.
I told him I hadn’t seen him trying to pull into the carpark. Once again, this didn’t help. Off he went, ranting. When he started to slow almost to a stop, I asked him in a calm, even tone of voice: “Anything else?” After repeating himself three more times, this man was exhausted. He had sweat all over him and was puffing like he had just run a marathon.
It was my time to speak. I asked him what he would like to see happen to rectify this situation? Before he could answer, a female voice behind me said: “Absolutely nothing!” The gentleman and I looked in the direction of the comment and saw a lady heading toward us. She brushed past me and grabbed the man by his arm, calling him an idiot as she dragged him away. I stood there, mouth open, watching this large man being dragged away, berated by a slightly built woman. The man had a new conflict to deal with.
Leaders are regularly called upon to have conversations that could easily erupt into conflict, or they are placed in situations that are heading toward such a place. While these conversations are vital to the development of any organisation, it is essential that leaders have expert skills to ensure they don’t spiral into something huge. They need to keep workplace relationships in place.
Three tips for tough conversations
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Remain calm
No matter what is said, stay calm. It is the behaviour people are in conflict with, not you as a person. Take a deep breath and remain relaxed and calm. Without a sense of calm, it is difficult to make good decisions. The person in the conversation who manages his or her emotions the best will always have a significant advantage in influencing the others.
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Timing
If I had tried to say my piece as soon as the man arrived, it would have been a waste of words. Wait until you believe the time is right to start asking questions and being directly involved. Let the person in conflict burn off the energy before engaging with them. Furthermore, you will gather important information and understanding while they talk.
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Find the reason
Identify the reason for the anger before anything else. This provides you with at least some knowledge as to where the other party is coming from. So many times have I seen conflict conversations where the parties are discussing completely different and/or irrelevant issues.
To be assertive in a heated conversation
- Know what you want to say. You will not appear confident if you are unsure of what you want. Where possible, plan beforehand exactly what you want to say but don’t forget to listen carefully as well.
- Say it. Do not hesitate or beat about the bush. Come right out with it, remembering to be considerate and thoughtful.
- Be specific. Say exactly what you want or do not want, so there can be no confusion. Begin with the word “I”. No long-winded explanations or excuses. These just weaken your case.
- Say it as soon as possible. Don’t let too much time pass as this can build up apprehension. On the other hand, don’t say it at the peak of your anger either. Wait for the anger to pass.
- Make eye contact. People feel more comfortable if you look directly at them. You simply look shifty if you cannot look people in the eye.
- Look Relaxed. You will convey anxiety by shifting around from one foot to the other, waving your arms about or, conversely, being too rigid.
- Avoid whining or sarcasm. Be direct and honest. Whining and pleading can annoy or make the other person feel guilty. Whining is manipulative behaviour. Being sarcastic, on the other hand, communicates hostility as you put the other person down.
Remember, when in any communicative situation (including conflict), the person with the greatest behavioural flexibility will always be the one who controls the situation and emerges with the least damaging emotional scars.
